It’s been a long time since I wrote on here, for that I am sincerely sorry.
My life has fallen apart. Sam and I separated on the 5th August and I am in the process of moving house with my children. I feel broken, numb, completely desolate and so very lost.
On previous blog posts I touched on how this bloody awful condition impacts all relationships, friends, family and romantic, how right I was.
Losing someone you love for at least a week a month must be so very difficult, feelings of resentment, a need to protect and shield them from any additional sources of stress have ultimately led to the demise of my marriage.
Sam tried to protect from additional worries and concerns by lying to me, sadly repeatedly. The anger I feel towards Sam for causing me so much pain is contradicted by my understanding of why he felt such a need to lie and pretend everything was okay, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
Maybe you, like me, excuse others bad behaviour more often than you should because you blame yourself for being such hard work sometimes. When I first discovered Sam lied to me last year I blamed myself, feeling as though he couldn’t tell me we were in financial trouble because I was in my dark zone. He apologised and I forgave but the trust I had left in Sam was definitely fragmented.
I believed over twenty lies that my husband told me to my face, he is very remorseful and apologetic but too much has happened now, the trust has gone.
Every single lie leads back to his need to protect me, not realising that by trying to shield me from the truth he was in fact breaking my heart. I thought we were financially comfortable, when my GP suggested that I reduced my working hours we discussed it in detail, drew up spreadsheets and made a conscious decision. However all the figures given to me were lies, Sam didn’t feel able to say, ‘Soph, we can’t afford for you to work part time’ because he was petrified of sending me over the edge, absolutely rooted with fear that I would get worse and that he would lose me, that I would take my own life.
It’s a strong statement to say that PMDD has destroyed my marriage but it’s definitely one of the biggest contributing factors. We were so happy before and I can’t help but think it’s all my fault, that I’ve become unlovable. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that this has happened, my body hurts with the pain, it’s just consuming me.
If you read this comments of support would be so very appreciated right now.
Sending you all love xx