Today is a bad day. I feel as though I am detached from myself. I can see and hear my beautiful girls and Sam speaking to me but I just can’t say a sentence out loud, all my words are jumbled.
I was celebrating yesterday…woohoo, I hadn’t had my usual dark zone episode this month, but hey ho, here it is biting me in the arse.
It’s so bloody hot, I smell of sweat and really need a wash but I just can’t bring myself to undress, repulsed by my own body. When I look at myself I just want to tear myself apart. Everything this morning, even going to the toilet is hard work, I feel bone weary and exhausted.
The guilt is consuming me, I’m such a bad mother and wife, I can see them all running around for work and school and I feel like I’m detached, looking in from the prison that is my own body. Tears are falling down my face and I’m rooted to the spot, I feel numb and just so helpless.
It’s just too much, I have nothing funny to say today, no witty anecdotes. I hate my body, I cannot bear that I have no control over my mind, over my life. I’m letting so many people down, my colleagues think I’m flakey and unreliable and they’re right.
All I do is try my very best but it’s not enough. It will never be enough.
I’m sorry for this miserable post, I said I would be honest on this blog and here it is, the good, the bad and the downright ugly.
This is me today..I feel broken.