The next few blog posts will be snippets of both mine and Sam’s diaries. I began to record ‘Dark Zone’ dates and symptoms, along with my thoughts and feelings in April last year. Sam was becoming increasingly frustrated with the situation and decided to record what was happening and how he was feeling. He hoped that this would help the doctors understand that is wasn’t just PTSD.
Me: 15th April 2015.
It’s etched on their faces, the worry, the concern. I can see what I’m doing to them but I can’t stop it, I can’t pull myself out of the darkness. Feeling so desperate for the pain to stop but it’s consuming me, eating me inside.
My daughters are looking at me, willing me to interact with them but I just can’t talk, I feel numb. Everything feels scrambled and my entire body aches, I’m bone weary and exhausted. I feel like I’m drowning.
Sam is intermittently coming in and out of the bedroom, his eyes look so sad, I know that it’s morning, the girls are in their uniform and I can hear birds in the garden, usually I love to hear their bird song but it’s irritating the hell out of me, seeming much louder than usual. Sam says he is putting the washing away but I can see him removing all the tablets from my bedside cabinet, all the while chatting about how nice it is outside, how I would feel better if I ate something. Asking if he can hold me. I don’t respond.
Running through my mind are the many reasons why I should take my own life. It’s not fair on Sam and the girls, they deserve so much more than this. This isn’t me, I keep willing myself to be who I was before, a happy, bright, enthusiastic mum, wife and friend. Where have I gone? Why do I have no control over my own mind and body? Seeing the people I love, scared, worried and in pain because of me is killing me. It has to stop, I am begging for someone to make this go away.
Sam: 15th April 2015:
Really starting to worry about Soph, today seems to be one of her very bad days. It’s pretty surreal and I really don’t understand why she’s gone from being perfectly fine yesterday, chirpy and rabbiting about anything and everything to how she is now. She’s not talking, doesn’t want to get up or do anything. I am watching her like a hawk and I do keep wondering if it’s something I’ve done, it’s so bloody tough at the moment and the doctor’s don’t tell me anything when I try to speak them, it’s as if they haven’t got a clue either.
Tomorrow is another day though, so we shall see what that brings. Hopefully a bit of sunshine in more ways than one.